Naruto Omake
by King of the Void
Summary: Just some plot bunnies I had to write.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Just a few omake so my plot bunnies will stop nawing on my brain. Let me know if you think I should make a full story out of one. **

**I do not own Naruto, there's not enough crazy for that.**

"Kakashi-sensei, can we make a detour on the way back? There's a place nearby that I want stop by."

Kakashi nodded thoughtfully. "I suppose so, where is it you want to stop?"

"Uzukagaru."

Tazuna snorted into his booze. "What do you want with that dump? The place has been in ruins ever since the last war."

"It was my mother's home village." Said Naruto quietly. "I don't know why but she apparently came to Konoha shortly before the war started."

Tazuna blinked and put his bottle down. "Your name's Uzumaki, right?"

Naruto nodded. "I was raised under my mother's name, since apparently my dad had a lot of enemies."

"What was her name?" Demanded Tazuna, making everyone stare in confusion. "What was your mother's name?"

"Kushina, Uzumaki Kushina." Tazuna fainted. "HEY WHAT THE HELL?"

Tsunami came in from the kitchen shakely and took a swig from her father's bottle. "It's impossible, you can't be…can you prove she was your mother?"

"Um…yeah, I stole a copy of my birth certificate a while back. Dad's name is blacked out, but mom's is there." He removed a slip of paper from the lining of his headband and slid it over to her. Tsunami started to giggle hystericly. "Are you ok?"

Tsunami looked at him like he was crazy. "Ok? You mean you really don't know?" Naruto shook his head in confusion. "Oh log, don't they teach you history in Konoha? Wave country was one whirlpool country, but the blast that destroyed Uzukagaru also split the island apart. Many people in wave still hold loyalties to Uzukagaru."

"What does that have to do with the dope?"

Tsunami bristled at the insult but remained calm. "Whirlpool was led by a royal family that was thought to be wiped out. The only hope the country had was that the princess was never found. Princess Kushina."

Sakura's eyes went wide. "You mean that Narutos a prince?"

She shook her head. "No, he's not the prince…. He's the king of whirlpool and the Uzukage!"

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><p>"Ah, team seven. I'm glad to see-" Sarutobi froze, having put down his paperwork and seen Naruto dressed in orange trimmed Kage robes, Sakura dressed in a peach sundress and a wide sunhat and Sasuke dressed in a dark orange-almost red- casual suit. He blinked a few times and inspected his pipe. "What the hell have I been putting in this thing?"<p>

**AN: Well that's that. I'll update more soon...I hope.**


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Two Omake in as many days. I'm going to see how long I can keep this up.

I do not own Naruto, there's not enough tentacle monsters for it to be something I made.

Neji smirked as Naruto fell to his knees, his Tenketsu points completely closed. "I told you Uzu-" The rest of his boast was cut off by a blast of chakra.

Red Chakra.

"**Thank you, human**." Chuckled a deep booming voice as Naruto's skin cracked, allowing his blood to mix with the four tailed shroud. "**My release my only be temporary, but it will be more than enough to achieve my goals**." Slowly the shroud began to crack and fall away, reviling a tall man wearing lose red robes that were open enough to show off his chiseled chest. His eyes were red and slited, but held more of a calculating look than anger or rage. His hair was a darker red than his robes, almost crimson, and pulled back into four lose tail trailing to his waist.

"Who are you?" Asked Genma, confused by what had happened.

"I don't blame you for not recognizing me," Chuckled the man, his voice still deep but not booming anymore. "it has been over a century since I took this form. I'm the Kyubi no Yoko. Well partly, most of my power is still sealed in the brat."

"What did you do with Naruto?" Demanded Sarutobi as he jumped down from the Kage box.

"His body is being conditioned to handle demonic chakra without getting hurt. His mind is getting a history lesson on what really happened with the attack and his soul is being augmented to reactivate two recessive bloodlines." Listed Kyubi absentmindedly. "Now which way is the redlight district?"

Everyone within earshot facefaulted.

"So…you're not going to destroy the village?" Asked Sarutobi cautiously.

"You already got rid of those Uchiha fuckers, so there's really no reason." Shrugged Kyubi. "So long as Duckbut doesn't get me sealed away like Midara did I'm just going to go to the nearest brothel, fuck the hell out of all the girls there, drink till even I feel the buzz and maybe test out the true Hyuga bloodline."

Neji blinked. "True Hyuga bloodline?"

A dreamy look came over Kyubi's face. "No gag reflex." He shook himself back to attention. "Now out of my way, I require hookers and blow! One hundred years without is long enough thank you!" Miles away a certain perverted author felt a twinge of pity.

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><p>The next morning found Naruto in bed with not only Hinata, but also Sakura, Ino, Tenten, Temari, Ayame, Tsunade, Shizune, Anko and a clone transformed into Naruko. "THE FUCK?"<p>

"No more." Groaned Anko. "You win…no more gangband no jutsu."

"One man harem." Sighed Hinata Happily.

**AN: If you have any suggestions please let me know.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Three for three, I never thought it possible. A special thanks to Christopher Scott: A Gentleman Thief for my first review ever.**

Kakashi sighed, lying back against a rock in the hot spring Naruto had treated the team to. "Alright Naruto, I'm grateful for all that you're done recently but I've got to ask where you're getting the money."

"Agre~ed." Moaned Sasuke as he received a massage nearby. On the other side of the divider they could hear Sakura receiving hers as well. At least they hoped that moaning was from a massage.

"I started a business." Hummed Naruto through half lidded eyes. "Combining shadow clones and transformation was the best idea I ever had."

"What business?" Asked Kakashi, worried what his most unpredictable student would choose as a second profession.

"Can't say, business would dry up faster than a fish in Suna if people found out I was involved. I promises it's nothing illegal."

"It's not good to keep secrets, especially if you want to be Hokage some day."

Naruto frowned. "My parents' names, how they died, if I have any living relatives, why everyone hates me, and fluffy. And that's just the stuff I KNOW about, for all I know the old man has a mansion somewhere with my name on the deed."

"Fluffy?" Repeated Sasuke skeptically.

"He made a law so people wouldn't tell me THAT one. The person who did was either thrown in jail for life or put to death." He shrugged. "Of course the guy was trying to kill me and Iruka-sensei at the time so I'm not complaining."

"And your parents?"

"When I checked my birth certificate the only name not blacked out was Kushina Uzumaki, my mother's maiden name. Down the bottom there was a note saying 'edited by order of the Hokage."

Kakashi stiffened. "Did you say Kushina?"

"Yeah, did you know her?"

Kakashi nodded. "I did, and I think I may know who your father was. I won't tell you until I know for sure."

"Aww, can't you give me a hint?" Pleaded Naruto, puppy eyes no jutsu at full power.

Kakashi was going to ask that jutsu be made illegal. "Fine, but you have to tell me what your business is."

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><p>On the other side of town:<p>

"Welcome to the Crimson Tail Host and Escort Service. How man I help you lo-"

"WHAAAAAAT?"

**AN: What do you think? I feel it's not as good as the previous chapters but it's a plot bunny that's been gnawing on my brain for a while.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Four for four, I didn't think it was possible.**

**I do not own Naruto.**

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><p>Itachi suppressed a smirk as the knocked on the hotel door. He would threaten the Jinchuriki a bit, Jiraiya would arrive just in time and Danzo would get a nice little reminder that he was still around. What could possible go wrong? "Kyuu-"<p>

"We don't want any!"

SLAM!

Kisame shook with suppressed laughter. "Apparently he's not a morning person."

"Apparently not." Agreed Itachi, releasing some killing intent as he knocked again. It was, however, dwarfed by the killing intent that washed over the two as the door opened again.

**CRACK**

Miles away a man wearing a lollipop mask fell to the ground clutching his groin. Unfortunately he was sitting on a balcony fifty floors up at the time and died on impact.

Back with Naruto, Kisame was doubled over, barely able to breathe while Itachi fought off the urge to mind rape the boy into a drooling vegetable. "You try it this time!" Kisame was once again thrown into a laughing fit as Itachi's voice had gotten at least two octaves higher.

"Itachi there's no way I'm knocking on that door." He said when he could finally speak again. "On the count of three we break the door down and rush in. Ready?"

On the other side of the door Naruto stiffened. That was Itachi? That was Sasuke's brother? The one that killed their entire clan IN ONE NIGHT? "ONE." He'd just nailed an S-Rank nuknin between the legs! They were going to fucking kill him! "TWO." Wait a minute…he's SASUKE'S brother! "THREE!"

Just as the two missing nin were about charge the door it opened. "EEEEEE, ITAAAAACHI-KUUUUUN!" There was a sudden clapping sound as air rushed to fill the space Itachi had occupied moments before, Uchiha genetics overriding all his training. Kisame followed in hot pursuit because apparently fishmen are considered sexy in Kiri.

A little ways down the hall Sasuke was pressed against the wall, his hand over his heart. "Since when the hell can he summon fan-girls?"

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><p><strong>AN: Another chapter finished, not as long as the other but I think it's just as good. I'm going to see if I can keep doing a new chapter every day. Not sure how long my brain can keep coming up with this insanity, but it hasn't let me down yet...I think.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I won't be able to update over the weekend, so here's a double chapter to keep you entertained.**

**I do not own Naruto**

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><p>Despite team 7's appearance, they operated like a well oiled machine in their own way. Each member knew their part and did their best to do what they were expected to do. For example when they were scheduled to meet Sakura would arrive first. Then Sasuke and Naruto at almost the same time, passing in front of Sakura while exchanging insults. Naruto would ask Sakura out and get shot down. Sakura would ask Sasuke out and get ignored. Naruto would bother Sasuke and get a concussion courtesy of Sakura. Kyuubi would complain about his host getting brain damage and do his best to heal it. Finally Kakashi would show up, get yelled at and explain what they were doing. After months of this routine Sasuke and Sakura were shocked to see Naruto arrive in his female form eating an ice cream cone.<p>

"What are you doing Naruto?" Asked Sakura while Sasuke sat listening...or brooding, it was hard to tell.

"Eating ice cream." Giggled the blond. "And my name's Naruko when I'm like this."

Sakura blinked. "You do know it's just an illusion, right?"

Naruko poked her breasts a few times. "It feels real to me." Her teammates blush as they watched her breasts bounce in a way that defied gravity. "Ice cream tastes great as a girl, so does chocolate. Plus I seem to be a little faster and more flexible."

"That can't be tr-" Sakura fell silent as Naruko took her hand and trailed her fingers though one of the blond's pigtails. "You made a real transformation jutsu?"

"Of course, how else do you think Sasuke was able to use me to do that shadow shuriken thing against Zabuza? I don't like doing other people though, since my personality gets mixed with theirs, but I've made four or five versions of myself."

"What are they?" asked Sasuke, curiosity finally getting the better of him.

"Well this was the first I made, then I made my civilian form." Naruko erupted in a poof of smoke to be replaced by a small brown haired boy in a t-shirt and shorts. "I use this to do shopping and stuff."

Sakura blinked. "I think I've seen you in the market like this."

"Probably, my names Hikaru when I'm like this." Another poof of smoke replaced him with a taller version of the normal Naruto wearing a pair of glasses. "This form is designed to be logical. I haven't decided on a name yet, but as I rarely use this form in public there's little need. Unfortunately I rarely understand what I was thinking when I change back, so it's not as useful as I had planned."

"That doesn't make sense dope."

"We defy the laws of physics by playing patty cake." Countered Naruto calmly. "By the way this form has an IQ over 200, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult me." One poof later Naruto was back to normal with the addition of fox ears and a tail.

On the other side of the village Hinata suddenly looked up with a dazed expression. "I have the strangest feeling thousands of people are feeling sorry that I missed something...now their laughing at me..."

Kiba blinked. "Sensei, did you do that?"

Back with Naruubi, Kakashi dropped down with his face in his usual book. "Today we're going to do more D-ranks. If you have any compl-" He stopped dead, having lowered his book enough to see his students. "ANBU!"

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><p><strong>AN: I don't know why, but I've always liked the name Hikaru. Anyway here's the second story.<strong>

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><p>Naruto sighed as he and his fellow genin teammates waited for their sensei. "You guys was to do something when we're done?"<p>

"hn."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Wow...well I'm game, but I'm not sure Sakura would want to."

Sakura blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"hn?"

"Maybe Ino, I guess. She seems like the type."

"hn..."

"No she's not."

"hn!"

"Exactly, whores charge money, Ino's a slut."

Sakura pounded him three feet into the ground. "NARUTO!"

"What the hell? Sasuke's the one calling her a whore!"

"Sasuke-kun hasn't said anything!"

Naruto blinked. "You mean you don't understand him? I thought you were in his fan club, how the hell do you not have an Uchiha dictionary?" To prove his point Naruto reached into his bag and pulled out a book titled 'Hn to English dictionary' by Isabelle Margaret Stalking. "I got it back when we were made a team. It's hard to understand sometimes but it pays off in cases like this."

Sakura took the book curiously and flipped through the first few pages. Apparently the language relied on subtle movements in body language, mostly in how the hands were laced in front of the mouth, then used grunts to convey the tone. "HN?"

Naruto shook his head. "Hn."

Twenty minutes later Kakashi found his students sitting in a circle, their fingers laced in front on their mouths and grunting occasionally. "What the hell?"

"hn."

"hn?"

"hn."

"hn."

"HN!"

"hn..."

Kakashi took a step back. "Dear log, it's spreading! HOKAGE-SAMA!"

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><p><strong>AN: There you have it, two stories for the price of one. I plan to work on the next chapter over the weekend so expect it to be a long one...or for me to make some excuse for being lazy and putting it off to the last minute.<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: This chapter is more serious, but still crazy.**

**I do not own Naruto**

Neji's eyes opened wide, realizing what he had just done. He'd attacked Hinata-sama, the clan heiress. It wasn't just an attack, he'd hit her with a killing blow to her heart. He stared as specks of blood were coughed onto his sleeve, his eyes trailing up to where his hand lay against...an orange jump suit? "Uzumaki?" Naruto slowly lifted his hand and pushed Neji's away. He ignored the people around him, not even putting on his usual 'don't worry about me grin', as he made his way back to the stairs.

On the balcony Sakura turned to where Naruto had been moments before to find Hinata staring down at the arena in horror. Then she understood, Naruto had used a Kawarimi to protect Hinata. "Are you...alright...Hinata?" Everyone turned to see Naruto slowly make his way up the stairs, his breathing labored and a trail of blood coming from the corner of him mouth.

Sakura clenched her fist in anger. "Naruto you idiot! That attack could have stopped your heart!"

"It did." Her fist stopped less than an inch away from his head, everyone within earshot falling silent. "I'm using...chakra...to make...it pump..." He leaned against the wall for a moment before his legs gave out and he slid to the floor. "I'm still...tired...from fighting...Kiba." Sakura was gone to get a medic faster than if she'd used the Hiraishin.

"W-why?" Came Hinata's timid voice beside him. "W-why did y-you do th-that?"

Naruto remained silent for a moment, his eyes fixed in a thousand yard stare. "You're the...only Hyuga...I've ever...seen smile." Then there was blackness...

**BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...**

Naruto opened his eyes slowly, unsure of anything going on around him. He sighed as he recognized the white tiled ceiling of Konoha hospital. For once though he didn't feel as if he didn't need to be there. No, even he could tell this time would be an extended stay...and not just because of the straps keeping him in bed. His body ached all over, worse than chakra exhaustion or when he used that red chakra against Haku.

"You gave us quite a scare Naruto." Damn, even moving his eyes to look at the old man hurt. "You've been out for four days. I dare say we were beginning to fear the worst."

"Takes more than that to kill me." Chuckled Naruto before wincing at the pain it caused. "I feel like crap though."

Sarutobi nodded with a serious expression. "I should think so, its a miracle you're alive at all. The way you forced your heart to keep pumping like that did extensive long term damage. Though if you hadn't you would have died before the medics could arrive."

Naruto let the grin fade from his face. "How bad is it?"

"Very, the heart wall was torn in several key places and most of the arteries were stretched to the point of bursting. I'll have to take you off of active duty, possibly forever." To his surprise Naruto remained calm, simply closing his eyes and nodding. "Naruto?"

"It was worth it." He said calmly. "Even if I'm stuck doing office work or paralyzed or even if I die, it was to protect Hinata so I have no regrets."

A small smile made its way onto Sarutobi's face. "You really care about her."

Naruto nodded. "When I was little and the glares became to much I'd go to the park and hide in the trees. I'd see her playing and smiling. It was confusing since all the other Hyuuga I'd seen looked so miserable. People always say they're the strongest in Konoha, but I see the saddest in Konoha. She lived with that her entire life and could still smile." He let out a sigh. "At first she inspired me but over time...well if it wasn't for clan politics I'd have asked her out the first day I saw her at the academy."

"D-do you r-really m-mean that?" Asked a shy voice on his other side.

**BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...**

"Hinata? H-how long have you been there?"

"The entire time." chucked the Hokage as he put his stopwatch away. "Four minutes sixteen seconds, I think that's a record for stunned silence."

"Why d-didn't you e-ever say anything?" asked Hinata as she took Naruto's hand. "I a-always saw you t-training...you w-were the one that i-inspired me."

Naruto's looked away sadly. "The villagers hate me. I act stupid so they'll ignore any rare gems of wisdom I have as a fluke. I draw attention to my horrible control so no one notices I have kage level reserves. I chase after Sakura so no one pays attention to the small smiles I give you." He scratched his cheek thoughtfully. "And apparently whatever they have me doped up on shot the 'I shouldn't say that out loud' part of my brain to hell."

Hinata laughed and held his hand against her face. "You don't have to hide who you are. I don't care what father or the elders say, I love you Naruto."

"I may be able to help with your clan." Interrupted Sarutobi. "Tell me, do you think they'd let you date Naruto if I let people know he's the son of the Fourth Hokage?"

**BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
><strong>

**AN: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our last respects to...Sauske? What are you doing with that Chidori? NO STOP!**

**...oh...um, looks like Chidori can act as a defibrillator. Anyway I'll see you later everyone, I have to make sure Naruto didn't come back as a zombie by mistake.**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Naruto's death last chapter got me thinking about what may happen when he finally does kick the bucket, as such here's what I came up with.**

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><p>Sarutobi looked around the council room sadly. For once none of the members were arguing with each other. There were all silent, some from fear, others from anger and a few from grief. He made note of those who truly mourned their loss, they were the people he would talk to most. Both for their comfort and his. It had been six days since the horrible event occurred. He had been so young, so full of life...<p>

"Attention." He couldn't put any of his usual force into his call, not that he needed to. "As you all know we're here to discuss the events surrounding the death of-" A bright flash of light cut him off and blinded everyone. When at last they could see they took a collective gasp. "Uzumaki Natuto!"

The body of the late blond suddenly lay on the floor, his clothes still burnt and bloodstained from his death. Years of war was the only thing keeping Sarutobi's lunch down. He was about to order the body taken away when he heard a noise he knew wasn't possible. Naruto was laughing. It was weak and tired but it was there.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" Roared the Hokage, enraged that someone would do such a thing.

Naruto winced and sat up. "Could you keep it down? Coming back from the dead isn't as easy as people seem to think." He looked himself over and sighed. "Geez Shinigame-dono, couldn't you have done anything about my clothes?"

"**I'm the God of Death, not a tailor**." Barked a dark voice that came from every direction.

The council erupted in screams of "What the hell was that?" and similar questions. It was all Sarutobi could do to keep them from running out the door.

"SHUT UP!" Barked the blond, his voice carrying well across the noise. Most of the council did quiet down, looking at him expectantly. "If you can keep quiet for ten minutes I'll tell you what happened. To begin with I hope everyone appreciates the irony of my death. Years of being hated, of people wanting my execution and the thing that gets me is trying to relight the pilot light on my stove." He chuckled some more and stood, his movements sluggish as he made his way to a nearby chair. "So no one has any doubts I did die that night. I was taken to Shinigami-dono for judgment. You can imagine my surprise when I found out who my father was, and that I was going to the same afterlife as him."

"That's impossible." interrupted the hokage. "The conditions he died under specified-"

"Shinigami-dono is omnipresent in every plane of the afterlife. He is literally part of everything and everything is a part of him. Having his soul sealed in Shinigami-dono's belly just meant that dad would die with out the possibility of reincarnation." He saw that some of the civilian council were about to protest and made a lazy hand sign. When they spoke no sound came out. "Reverse silencing seals, got to love 'em. Anyway we were in an afterlife that most people called Valhalla. Every day the greatest warriors of all time fought to the death for the simple joy of battle and at night those who had fallen were resurrected in the feast hall. I should probably clarify that time doesn't pass normally there. Each death makes a little bit of time pass so that when it's finally night only one fighter is left, who is then given the opportunity to be reincarnated in the living world. Since the nights are as long as the days several years have passed from my point of view, even though I always got killed before the sun was even up all the way.

"Once tonight had finally come Shinigami-dono paid me a visit. He explained that even though he had ownership of my soul, I was the one who owned Kyuubi's soul. He also explained that I couldn't just give it to him, we would have to trade or gamble. We eventually decided on a game of poker, Kyuubi's soul against mine. I won and offered him another chance. I won again, this time I got Mom and Dad. I won again, this time four soul to be decided later. It kept going like that the whole time and eventually I won every soul in Valhalla. Now as you can guess Shinigami-dono wasn't happy with losing so many souls so he offered me an all or nothing gamble against Valhalla its self." He chuckled again. "Guess who now owns his own plane of the afterlife." He looked around when noone spoke. "Oh right, the seals. Anyway, time to mess with the forces of life and death."

With a snap of his fingers, Naruto made their beloved fourth hokage appear before the council. However their happiness turned to fear as Minato slowly cracked his knuckles. "OK, here's how it's going to go. I beat the shit out of you bastards for spitting on my last request and trying to off my son. When I stop seeing red those of you who are still alive get sent to Ibiki."

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><p>AN: Note to self: Take Naruto to Vegas. I'm not sure if the 'Naruto always wins at card games' thing was in the series or if it's fannon, but I love it either way. On that note what would happen if Naruto and Allen Walker from D. Gray Man went into a poker tounament against each other?<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Here's a chapter I've had going in the back of my mind for a while.**

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><p>Naruto stared in shock at the man standing on the giant sword high above his head. "Zabuza…Momochi?"<p>

The man smirked under his bandages. "I see the brat has heard of me. Tell me, how is it a kid like you knows about me?"

"How could I NOT know about the Hero of the Shining Mist?" Shouted the blond. "Anyone whose read Kiri's BINGO book knows about you! Will you sign my BINGO book?" True to his word Naruto pulled a copy of Kiri's BINGO book from his bag.

Zabuza blinked. "Come again?"

"How did you get Kiri's bingo book?" Hissed Sasuke as he tried to not picture Naruto as a fanboy.

"Mail order." Replied Naruto Happily. "Unfortunately I didn't get a good look at it before we fought the demon brothers, so I didn't have any info on them at the time."

"As interesting as that is," interrupted Zabuza. "I'd like to have a look at the book myself." Naruto nodded and tossed the book up to him.

**Zabuza Momochi**

**Age: 26**

**Rank: Jounin, A-Class**

**Former Names: Demon of the Bloody Mist**

**Current Names: Hero of the Shining Mist**

**Know Associates: Demon Brothers, Un-named Fake Hunter-nin.**

**Details: Most widely known for his failed coupe, Zabuza is considered a hero by many of the current inhabitants in the Land of Water. After Zabuza fled the country his attack became a rallying point for many of the bloodline sympathizers leading to a new age of prosperity in Kiri. The current Mizukage Mei Terumi, possessing two bloodlines herself, has named Zabuza and his Hyoton wielding partner village heroes and expressed her own personal respect for both.**

Zabuza blinked and read the entry again. "What the fuck?" He made a quick hand signal and soon the Fake Hunter-nin was beside him. "Haku, how long have we been away from Kiri?"

"Too long apparently." Said Haku as he read the entry in disbelief. "Could it be a fake?"

Zabuza shook his head. "No, I can tell it's the real thing." He let a small smile appear under his bandages and pulled out a marker, signing the back cover 'To the brat who sent me home. Zabuza Momochi, Hero of the Shining Mist.' "You kids can relax; I'm not working for Gato a second longer." He tossed the book back to Naruto and the two former missing nin flickered away.

Kakashi blinked as he watched Naruto bounce up and down happily. "It's days like this I wonder how I haven't been driven to drink yet."

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><p><strong>AN: Well there you have it. I'm not sure how this fits in with the official timeline, but I like to think Zabuza helped Kiri become what it is in Shippuden.<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: I've been thinking 'why do they make the strongest ninja in the village take a desk job?' lately. It doesn't really make sense when you think about it, that job would be a quick road to wrist strain and that would weaken the supposedly stongest ninja.**

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><p>Tsunade fought back a whimper as Shizune brought in two more stacks of paperwork. She couldn't write one more word. Even with her medical prowess her wrists still ached long into the night only to be tortured again the next day. "That's it, stick a fork in me I'm done."<p>

"Just in time for me to take over for you Granny." Chuckled the only person she would ever let talk to her like that. "I think I've found the answer to all your problems."

Tsunade snorted. "Oh? Do tell Brat."

"Well I was going through some of the more obscure law books when…don't give me that look. How else do you think I find all my loopholes?" Tsunade sweat dropped, remembering how Naruto had convinced the council his prank of making the Hokage monument sing would improve village morale. "As it turns out you can appoint a substitute if your duties as hokage are interfering with your skills as a ninja…like say, how many seals you can do in a minute."

Tsunade blinked, fighting back the urge to glomp the boy. "Sounds good, but why should I choose you?"

"Two reasons." Smiled Naruto. "First it'll be a good exercise for when I become Hokage. Second, I can get through all that paperwork by the end of the day."

Tsunade stared at him a moment before doubling over with laughter. She laughed so hard she cried and almost fell out of her chair. "Oh log, the end of the day?" She did fall out of her chair this time, rolling across the floor like a mad woman.

Naruto watched her display with a knowing smile. "I bet you I can. If I win you don't come back until you can do eighty seals in one minute. If you win you get ten percent of all my income for the next year."

Tsunade froze, realizing all she had to do was send him on C-ranks all year, wait for them to turn into S-ranks like they usually do, and she'd be set for life. "Deal, I'll let Shizune know our arrangement so she doesn't go easy on you."

"Oh don't worry, I'm more than ready."

Ten minutes later:

"Well Naruto, you do seem to be faster than Lady Tsunade, but I doubt you'll be finished by the end of the day."

"Oh I just had to wait until I knew she was gone." Chuckled the blond as he place the beloved kage hat on the desk. "I couldn't have her learning my secret, now could I?" A moment later the room was filled with shadow clones, who each took a paper from the pile and began to work. The real Naruto smiled widely and placed the hat back on his head. "The secret of doing paperwork is hereby an S-rank secret, punishable by imprisonment or death. This is something that you need to figure out on your own if you want to be a Kage."

Miles away Tsunade suddenly smacked herself on the head. "…why did I do that?"

"I'm not sure ma'am, but are you sure you want to make these additions to your house?"

"Oh yes, I've been wanting a hot tub for a while now. I'm going to enjoy my recovery."

Even further away our favorite super pervert suddenly looked up. "My pervert senses are tingling."

Kakashi inched away. "That's not something you should say out loud."

**AN: Poor Tsunade…and poor Sarutobi, he had to do that job for how long without figuring out he could use clones? Then again it is something they should have figured out after one day on the job...or one day with Naruto.**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN:This will be the last chapter before I begin Nanowrimo. For those who don't know Nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month, an even designed to make writers...well write. The point is to write 50,000 words in a month in order to get ideas flowing without worrying about editing until it's over. I don't know how I'll do, but I'm hoping I can finishes this year.**

Naruto groaned as he let his arms fall. "Where the hell is Kakashi? We've been waiting for four hours!"

Sakura shrugged. "We really should know...why are you hanging off a streetlight?"

"Because I can." Stated Naruto as if it was obvious. "Anyway I have an idea on how we can get back at Kakashi. We'll need to call in some help, but can I count you two in?"

Sakura nodded while Sasuke gave a "hn."

"Alright, I'll go set it up."

Five minutes later

"Everyone know what to do?" Asked Naruto, looking out at everyone who he could convince to help...which as it turned out included four ANBU squads, twelve Jounin, twenty five chunin, every clan head on the council, Danzo, the academy's PTA board and the Fire Damyo himself. If team seven learned anything that day it was being constantly late made you more enemies than you realized.

"Special effects standing by." roared Ibiki.

"Camera crew ready and waiting." reported an ANBU.

"Therapy station on standby." chimed Kurinai.

"FLAMES OF YOUTH BURNING WITH THE WHITE HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS!" I think you know who said that...

Elsewhere

Kakashi sighed, finally arriving at the meeting spot only to find his students had left without him. "Oh come on, I'm not that late...only a few hours...I think..." She shook his head in disbelief and picked up a note with his name on it.

**Kakashi**

**We've decided to talk to Granny about you're constant lateness. Come to her office as soon as you get this. The longer you take the more pages get burned out of your book.**

**Love,**

**Naruto**

**P.S.: BOOM**

Kakashi's eye widened as he threw the paper away just in time to not be caught in the explosion. "These kids are trying to kill me!" He froze as what the letter said finally hit his brain. "NO MY PRESSIOUS! DON'T LISTEN TO THEM LADY TSUNADE!"

Tsunade blinked, curious as to when Kakashi had learned the Flying Thunder God. "I'm afraid your too late Kakashi, I've already decided on your punishment." With an evil smile she pressed a button under her desk, causing a trap door to open under the masked man.

When he came to Kakshi found himself face to face with Gai...who was wearing nothing but a green thong speedo. "!"

**Due to the current rating on this story the following scene has been censored. We apologize for the inconvenience.**

Tsunade nodded in satisfaction as she tried to stem the flow of blood from her nose. "The sales from the video will be a very useful source of income once it get's though editing. I'd say he learned his lesson."

"I think we all did." Whimpered a ghostly pale Naruto. "I for one learned your more creative than Pervy Sage by a long shot."

"I learned Kakashi apparently super glues his mask on and Gai is surprisingly weak to aphrodisiacs." Stated a blushing Sakura. "Um Sasuke, what up with your Sharingan?"

Sasuke blinked and checked himself in a conveniently placed mirror. "...apparently this was enough to get the Mangekyo Sharingan."

**AN: Yes, I do consider puting Kakashi in a porno with a drugged up Gai equal to killing your best friend. RESPECT CANNON SEXUALITIES!**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Well I failed at Nanowrimo, but I did get some good writing done in the process. Not to mention I'm getting in the habit of writing more often. I have to say though, I hate writing in a note book and then retyping it into a computer, but if I don't I'll forget what I thought up. Anyway after such a long break I though I'd start with a small chapter. Enjoy!**

Kakashi eyed the bar warily. The mission was simple: find out what a certain ship had been doing in the past few days. Unfortunately he hadn't known it was a pirate ship when he took the mission. Now he stood just inside the door of the crew's favorite haunt trying to gain any information he could before his students got themselves into trouble.

"Out of the way boy." growled a rough voice as he was pushed aside. Kakashi was about to put the man in his place when he realized the man looked too much like a version of his blond student to pass off as coincidence. Naruto for his part made his way to the bar, staggering slightly as if he had just come off of a ship and hadn't gotten his land legs back. "Barkeep, pour a round on me."

Kakashi knew he couldn't send Naruto away without attracting suspicion now and made his way to a seat a few stools away. As the night went on Naruto laughed and cheered with the crowd, becoming one of them and drawing just enough attention to himself. Every once in a while though he's meet Kakashi's gaze and give a small nod to show he was still sober enough to think clearly.

Eventually one of the deckhands proved himself to be a singing drunk, coughing up a barely coherent melody that got a few of the more tanked sailors to chuckled. Naruto however seized the opportunity...

"You call that a song? HA! I'll give you a bleeding song!" He coughed roughly and began slamming his fist on the bar. As he sang others began to pound out he beat as well, those who knew the words joining in and even Kakashi was shouting 'Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum' by the fourth verse. A cheer going up as the old song drew to a close. A few minutes later Naruto stood, swaying more than before, and made his way to the table their targets were using. "Ye look a lively bunch, 'tink yer cap'n'd take on an old dog like me?"

"Aye," Cheered one. "Yer in luck, we be draftin' a new crew. What be yur name?" Apparently he was the captain, though he dressed like a cabin boy.

"Hikaru. I got only two rules to me life, no rape and no killin' o' kids."

The captain nodded in approval. "Fine rules indeed, though there be a few more on my ship." Naruto drew up a chair and the table talked long into the night. By the end Naruto had learned everything they needed from the increasingly drunk men.

In the morning he and Kakashi led the way back to Konoha. "What did you think of last night?"

Kakashi shook his head. "At this point I really have to wonder...with all these transformations, who's the real you?"

"Whoever I want it to be." Stated Naruto with a cryptic smile.

**AN: At first I was going to put the lyrics in, but I didn't thing it had the same feel as when you hear the song. **

**People have asked me who I think is better, pirates or ninja? I always tell them the same thing: Pirates are the ninja of the sea and the two will join forces to fight the hordes of the robot zombies when they descend from the skies in their brain powered spaceships! THANK YOU INTERNET! I LOVE YOU! GOOD NIGHT!**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Wow, almost a year since I updated...I have no excuse, please forgive me.  
><strong>

**Scenes I Want To See More**

**Scene 1**

A moment of ringing crystal was all the warning Orochimaru had before his world became a swirling vortex of light and pain. Then, just as quickly it became a vortex or light and not-pain. He knew that whatever this jutsu was it was still going, still tearing him apart, but he could no longer feel it happen. By the time he fell to the ground his first scream of pain had already fallen silent.

"N-Naruto...what was that?" Asked Sakura shakily as she watched the missing nin in the crater her teammate had made.

"Futon: Rasenshuriken." Said the blond calmly. Just before their mission to wave he'd changed. He'd suddenly...grown up. The look on his face as he looked down at the snake sanin belonged on a hardened jounin's face, not a genin's. "How are you doing down there Chi-chan?"

"What...did you...do to...me?" His breath came in ragged gasps as he tried and failed to move.

"I'll explain when Anko get's here." He replied offhandedly as Anko dropped down from the trees. Her eyes darted from her traitorous teacher to the smiling blond and back. "Speak of the devil. Ok, listen up, I hit Chi-chan down there with a little something call Futon: Rasenshuriken. It's a wind technique that damages on the cellular lever, destroying the victim's nervous system and chakra coils. To put it simply, he's paralyzed and will never mold chakra again.

There was a moment of stunned silence...

Then Anko tried to _thank _Naruto.

**AN: Completely helpless, unable to use chakra and laying at Anko's feet. I DARE you to tell me Orochimaru shouldn't get that done to him in every timeloop story.**

* * *

><p><strong>Scene 2<strong>

A held up his hand to stop Danzo's droning. "You said your jinchuriki was named Naruto, do you mean Uzumaki Naruto?" Danzo nodded, not sure where the Raikage was going with his question. "Short, blue eyed blond with a kill me now orange jumpsuit?"

"You know Naruto?" Asked Gaara.

A snorted. "Know him? For a while I was getting reports on him every week. Saving villages, stopping bandits, helping wherever he went. There's a standing marage offer to our Damyo's daughter for when we find him."

"Same with out Damyo." Admitted Onoki. "If we're all talking about the same person, that is."

"Naruto was on a training mission with Jiraiya until recently." Supplied Gaara. "And it would fit his personality to help where he could. It's been a habit of his ever since he went on a mission to wave country."

"You mean we're talking about The Great Naruto?" Asked Mei excitedly. "Everyone who goes through Wave has heard about him! I thought it was just someone with the same name, but if this is the same person Mist will help however it can."

**Later**

"A message has gone out across all the elemental nations." Reported Zetsu, rising half way out of the ground. "'Naruto is in danger, please help.'"

Tobi looked past the plant man to the sea of people outside the cave. The army streatched as far as he could see, as if every man, woman and child able to pick up a weapon had done so and united against him. "I think you're a little late on your report."

"I knew I shouldn't have stopped for lunch."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: It always bugs me that no one ever remembers Naruto was traveling with Jiraiya for years and would undoubtedly help people along the way. They wouldn't have stayed in one country the whole time, so the local Kage would most likely hear about it and remember him. Likewise all the people he helped would want to return the favor and help him any way they could. In short, Naruto could take over the world by calling in all the favors people owe him.<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Yo. Thankfully these didn't take as long to write as the previous chapter. Wish me luck at keeping up the pace.**

* * *

><p>"Hey Sakura, Ino, why are you two always fighting over Sasuke?" Asked Naruto as he dodged the swarm of hearts the two were letting out.<p>

Sakura rolled her eyes. "He's cool and handsome and strong-"

He held up his hand to stop her. "No, I mean why are you fighting when he's under the CRA? Since he's the last Uchiha he'll be EXPECTED to have more than one wife to rebuild his clan." The two girls blinked a few times and Naruto was sure he could hear what sounded like gears grinding to a halt.

Sasuke apparently heard it to as his head spun round with the sound of a bull whip to stare in wide eyed horror. "DAMN IT DOPE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"

'Wow, I got him to activate his sharingan.'

* * *

><p>"What about your dislikes." Asked Kakashi, already not liking the pink haired fangirl he'd been stuck with.<p>

"NARUTO!"

"For the last time," growled Naruto. "I'm not using my transformation still to help you live out your fangirl fantasies. As much as I like you I REALLY don't want to go through some of the things you've thought up."

* * *

><p>The Konoha council fumed silently, wondering why Sarutobi had bothered to call them to a meeting so early in the morning. Normally meetings were held in the evening as few of the council members were morning people.<p>

"Hokage-Sama, why are we here so early." Asked a civilian member. It was moments like this that showed why the shinobi members allowed civilians on the council. Each and every one was wondering the same thing, but knew better than to ask it. By having the loudmouth civilians around the questions could get asked without them speaking out of line.

To their surprise the old man chuckled, his eyes looking past the man in a way that plainly said 'I know something you don't know.' He sat down and lit his pipe before speaking. "I've called you all here on the order of the Fire Damyo." The councilors' eyes widened, the Damyos only got involved in the hidden villages when something big was going on, otherwise they just sat back and let them run things. "He has come across information that the heir of a very powerful clan has been mistreated in our village and has ordered us to decide the fate of all those involved."

"I take it we will not know the identities of the guilty until we've made our decision?" Asked Hiashi. The practice was common when large groups of people were being sentenced as if prevented favoritism. "What was the extent of the mistreatment?"

Sarutobi laid a thick folder on the table, various documents sticking out. "This contains a very detailed account of every offence that took place in the time the Damyo had people watching the heir. These offences include assault, theft, price gouging, and more than a few attempts on his life. As Hokage I'm disguted, but as one of the people who's always tried to look after this person I'm going to enjoy a bit of schadenfreude." He chuckled evilly as he leaned back in his chair, making several of the council members look at each other nervously.

Hours later, when the last of the details were ironed out and the orders signed, sealed and on their way to delivery, Sarutobi stood. "Before you all go, would you like to meet the clan heir in question?" There was a general murmer of agreement and he gave a small signal to the waiting ANBU.

Naruto walked in and they knew they were screwed.

**AN: Sorry it's not very long, but what can I say.**

**Alright then, considering it's been a few weeks since it was made official in the manga I'd just like to say...**

**WHAT THE HELL?! He's Tobi? Why? It undermines his character and ruins so many fanfic for him to have turned evil! I sure hope Naruto can pull off another Therapy Jutsu on him, because I want him to be a good guy. **

**On the other hand, it's probably better than my theory: ****Tobi was created by Madara in his last moments before death using the last of his chakra in the same way the Sage of Six Paths created the nine biju out of the Jubi's chakra.**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: I got a PM asking if these stores were up for adoption and in case anyone else was wondering, yes they are. These are just random ideas I came up with and if you can use them to start your own story feel free to do so. All I ask is that you send me a link so I can read it too.**

* * *

><p><strong>Halloween Town<strong>

Sarutobi had to admit to himself that Naruto had outdone himself this year. With his birthday so close, and often being unable to celebrate on the Kyuubi Festival because of the resentment sent his way, Naruto had made Halloween HIS holiday. From the age of five he'd made an event out of it and now that he'd finally graduated he was going all out. With the aid of his shadow clones he's build something he was calling Halloween Town, a mock town just outside of Konoha filled with clones in various transformations.

"Enjoying yourself Jiji?" Asked who he assumed was the real Naruto. His transformation was small, but effective, simply giving his normal appearance fox ears, tail, red eyes and sharp, fanged teeth.

"I'm impressed; you must have spent a long time coming up with all this." His reply earned him a wide, fanged smile that made him both happy and nervous. There was just something primal that made people fear that kind of smile. "And I'm glad to see you're taking the knowledge of your burden well, not many people would hint at it like you are."

The foxboy shrugged. "Kurama was a bit of a jerk at first, but we've managed to talk things out. He's actually pretty reasonable so long as you treat him with respect and don't try to control him."

"Kurama?"

Naruto's smile widened and another shiver of fear made its way down Sarutobi's spine. "You'll meet him soon enough. Just remember the official story is clone collaboration transformation." He snorted. "Try saying that ten times fast." Chuckling he walked off.

A little while later Sarutobi ran into Kakashi leaning against a light post reading his book. "Hokage-sama." He greeted with a small bow, his eye still on his reading.

"Quite impressive, wouldn't you say Kakashi?" Asked the old man as he once again stopped and looked around. "Naruto really out did himself."

Kakashi gave a small nod. "Do you know how he managed to do all this? Even with clones doing all the work the materials and food must have cost thousands."

"I had the same concern." He admitted. "Apparently he's been preparing for months, buying things one at a time and sealing them away. I also found out he's been taking solo D-ranks with his clones whenever possible. I believe he currently holds the record for most D-ranks missions and is well on his way to most missions in general."

"He's been doing missions with his clones?" Asked Kakashi, his eye staring off into space. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because while we may think outside the box, I doubt Naruto even knows the box exists." Chuckled the old man. "Would you care to join me for dinner, I've heard of an interesting show at Remains of the Day."

* * *

><p>"He made a theme park…" Stated Sakura in disbelief. "I have no idea how I should react to this."<p>

"That's kind of what I was going for." Chuckled a tall skeleton in a pinstriped suit. "Shadow clones are so useful, wouldn't you say? Throw in transformation and boom."

Sakura nodded, she couldn't really disagree when he'd built and populated an entire town overnight. "Should I be worried about you using an army of clones to overthrow Konoha?"

"Why would I do that?" Asked the Skeleton in mild confusion. "If I wanted to just rule a village I could just make one." He gestured to the town around them to prove his point. "I want people's respect, so I have to earn the title of Hokage." Sakura just nodded, surprised at how mature he was being.

* * *

><p>As the day faded into night the crown made its way to the open roofed stadium where they had been promised a concert as well as a special surprise. The civilians and ninja enjoyed themselves as a band of clones sang various monster themed songs while those who knew Naruto marveled at the fact he could play so many instruments.<p>

Halfway through 'Would you Love a Monster Man?' The Kyuubi poked his head over the wall and sang along.

When the ensuing council meeting was over Sarutobi laughed himself silly.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Short, I know, but I wanted to get it out.<strong>

**Just a little nitpick, but one thing that really bothers be about Naruto is that, as far as I can tell, they don't have seasons. It makes it hard to how much time has passed between events and what time of year it is. **

**Anyway, happy Halloween everyone. ^_^**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Just something I made a long time ago and never posted.**

**Naruto's List**

I should not teach forbidden jutsu to academy students, they are forbidden for a reason.

The rasengan should not be used as a blender.

When I return from a C-rank mission, I should not complain and ask for a 'nice, safe' S-rank.

Tora is not a demon cat.

Nor was the Kyuubi 'engaging in an epic duel with its arch rival' when it attacked the village.

Transforming a clone into a mini-kyuubi and chasing Tora around the village was a bad idea.

Chasing them while screaming 'GET BACK IN MAH BELLA' was even worse.

I should not use shadow clones and transformations to impersonate high ranking political groups.

Or to open a host service.

ANBU are not training tools.

Taking an ANBU's mask does not entitle me to their position.

There is no platypus ANBU mask.

Nor may I call dibs on it.

Aburame clan members have eyes.

I shouldn't scream 'NO LEAVE MY BRAIN ALONE!' when I see Yamanaka clam members.

Nor is their family jutsu 'Mind-Rape-No-Jutsu'.

Hyuga do not use their eyes peep at hotsprings. They can just look through clothes.

Hyuga do not use their eyes to look through people's clothes.

The Uchiha compound is not haunted.

Shikamaru cannot be replaced with a plushie that says 'troublesome' when you squeeze it.

When accused of breaking the law I should not ask 'Of man or nature?'.

I do not need to return to the academy as Naruko for kunochi training.

I may not seduce ninja from enemy villages.

I may not seduce ninja from allied villages.

I am not a 'one man lesbian orgy'.

Nor should I ever say the phrase in public.

Despite past examples, not all my enemies will switch sided after some therapy.

Nor do they all need a hug.

Any plan that makes me giggle for more than thirty seconds is forbidden.

Lee is not Orochimaru's failed attempt to clone Gai.

I shouldn't try to roast marshmallows over Gai and Lee's 'Flames of Youth'.

'It worked' is not an excuse.

I shouldn't call Tsunade 'Granny'.

Nor should I pull out diagrams to prove we ARE related when she objects to 'Auntie'.

I was not raised by wolves in the forest of death.

I may not make bet for first born children.

Or souls.

Or anything other than money.

The Kyuubi does not demand a virgin sacrifice for each time I use his powers.

Nor do I need some alone time with Hinata to remove her as an option.

I may not make my own village a few miles down the road.

I may not rebuild Uzu without permission from both the fire and water damyo.

Archeology and grave robbing are not the same thing.

I do not need a bleeping drink.

I may not contact the other Jinchuriki to form a 'Legion of Doom'.

Painting the hokage monument is not a training exercise.

My eyes in same mode are n...ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO SAGE.

Ma's cooking does NOT taste like chicken.

A ninja's sanity is not inversely proportional to their level of power.

I can't solve all my problems by throwing jutsus at them.


End file.
